Emotional Boundaries - Do We Need a Wall?

Back before kids, I had a career. I worked with broken people. One of the things we often spoke about were boundaries.

All this talk in the political arena about "building a wall."  What about the walls that protect our mental health?  What are emotional walls and how do we defend them?

Assertive, passive or aggressive behavior is how we go about getting our needs met in relation to the others--and thus establishing mental, emotional, and spiritual boundaries. 

Boundaries are often established in our family of origin and they can be difficult to define. let alone change.  Basically, they are an understanding that I am not you.  They can be manifest emotionally when I feel responsible for you—like when mom gets embarrassed by the behavior of a child who has his own will.  They can also be manifest in the understanding or lack of understanding that it’s okay to be different and not value the same things—like someone who thinks all people should own dogs and cat people are strange.

Regardless of where you fall, behaviorally, we defend or deny those boundaries every day through our through assertive or nonassertive behavior.

Which do you think you are?

Assertive people tend to be able to make their needs or wishes known clearly but will accept a “no” for an answer, and the give and take of occasionally yielding to others’ needs.
Aggressive people can also make their needs or wishes known but tend to struggle with disregarding the needs of others. They place their needs first.

Passive people tend to do the opposite. They place the needs of others above their own, sometimes becoming accustomed to not having any expectations at all.

Here’s how it might play out:

Three people want to go to dinner. Assertive Bert would like Chinese, but if the group picks something else he won’t mind, knowing he might get to pick the restaurant the next time.

Aggressive Ned wants Italian. Ned isn’t interested in what the others want, so he presses for his restaurant until the others agree. Passive Lenny would like Mexican, but once he hears the others want something different, he says nothing and just goes along with the crowd.

Wait! Did I forget to mention there’s a fourth type?

In comes Passive Aggressive Peter. Peter wants to try a new 24-hour Deli, but they have already settled on Italian. He agrees. They set a time to meet, but Peter shows up late, so they miss their reservation. Then he suggests the Deli. If he’s more practiced, he might instead tell the group what a rough week he has had, and how he was really looking forward to a deluxe cheesesteak sandwich to make it all better, but he understands, they have already picked Italian, without him. He will wait for someone who feels badly to suggest the Deli and he will cheerfully agree.

Passive Aggressive people are aggressive people disguised as passive. Passive Aggressive people seem to be easy going on the surface because they go along, but they use manipulation, guilt, subtle shaming or any number of other techniques to trick people into doing what they want.

Passive Aggressivity is particularly problematic because while the Aggressive person is obvious about placing their needs first, the Passive Aggressive person is accomplishing the same thing by covert means. Another difficulty with Passive Aggressive behavior is that it is difficult to confront. When someone is being Aggressive, you can point it out, sometimes reason with them. Often people don’t realize they are being manipulated by a Passive Aggressive person until later when they feel played. It is quite difficult to address because it is always disguised.

It is also important to consider that narcissism and passive aggressiveness tend to be associated. The passive aggressive person is self-focused and genuinely sees no problem with his or her behavior. In fact, they often see themselves as peacekeepers and play the martyr role when someone confronts them with their behavior.

This is a prevalent behavior in dysfunctional families. Family members do not possess the proper tools to defend their needs and often it is because the parents have set up a win-lose mentality on most things. It can be borne of families with narcissistic parents as well.

As an aside, Type A narcissists tend to be aggressive in-your-face types, while Type B narcissists tend to be passive aggressive and fine sitting back and being superior.

We are all capable of each of these behaviors.

I have found myself being passive then resentful later. I have been aggressive when I felt threatened. I have acted passive-aggressively when faced with people who wouldn’t listen or compromise.

I think this is particularly important to all people because it plays out in every aspect of our lives.  People with clear boundaries tend to be happier, have stronger relationships, and are less likely to struggle with depression and anxiety.

People who establish clear boundaries still get played, and my experience is that some people will push as far across the line as they can get away with but knowing this and being emotionally prepared to address it make a big difference. 

Each of us needs to know who we are as individuals outside our roles as employees, students, spouses, parents, siblings or friends.  You need to establish what belongs in each role and what doesn't and make sure you don't let people invade your personal space.

You also need to acknowledge that everyone is different, and that is okay.  What I value, you may not. Healthy boundaries mean I can let you be you and I am okay being myself as well.  If everyone were alike, only did what pleased themselves, and never got exposed to new ideas or unique people, the world would be quite boring indeed.I hope you will think about these things.  It takes time, but being surrounded by healthy, loving people makes a difference.  Life can be messy.  It’s so much easier getting through it together.