Self-Esteem Building

I have been giving a lot of thought to the idea of self-esteem. The older my children get, the more I hear mention of it. I hear about parents who want to assure their children have the proper amount of it, that is. In considering the meaning of true self-esteem, I first look back to my own childhood. I do not recall ever hearing a term like this mentioned as I was growing up. As a matter of fact, it seems to me that parents were more concerned about us getting "too big for our britches" and knowing our place than they were about us thinking even more of ourselves than we already did. So, as I continue to ponder this notion, I must ask, "What saith the scriptures?"

It turns out that the scripture instructs us to esteem others. No mention of needing to think more highly of ourselves, other than we shouldn't (Rom 12:3). The Word instructs us to esteem others greater than ourselves (Phil 2:3), and to esteem those doing the work of the ministry for their labors (I Thes 5:13). This tells me two things. First, if we are asked to esteem others, then it must not come naturally. Second, esteem should be based on something tangible, such as work.

These two points are important for this reason: our culture has forgotten that people (children) naturally see themselves as the center of the universe, and without any training whatsoever, will naturally esteem themselves over others, and, that praise should be reserved for actual accomplishments. This is an important distinction to me.

While this idea of giving both teams a trophy was designed to spare the losing team the pain of defeat at a tender age, it has really stolen from the victor the feeling of triumph. I suppose as a parent I am expected to continuously tell my children that they are awesome, for fear that they will begin to feel bad about themselves, and become unhappy in life. And this might compensate for the fact that all competition has been removed from their lives in favor of political correctness.

To me, this really cheapens those real moments when the child masters the difficult, faces their fears, pitches in without being asked, rises to the moment, and has every right to experience a moment of pride. I am a believer of praise. I love to encourage my children. I don't however, think I need to bolster my children's self-esteem with any additional accolades, other than the ones they earn.

Shouldn't true self-esteem be the result of actually accomplishing something? And shouldn't our identity as Christians be the result of placing someone else above ourselves and experiencing the fullness that this act produces in our hearts? Do you remember a time in your life when you really felt good about yourself? It was always related to somthing tangible that you had achieved. Do you think that it would have been as powerful a moment for you if you had not really earned it? This is what I think happens when parents falsely pump up their children with excessive praise in an attempt to "make them like themselves."

I can tell my kids all day long that they are the most amazing, awesome, incredible humans that ever walked, but what kind of narcissism will that produce? In truth, sometimes we are shameful examples of people, and measured shame is healthy. We are supposed to approach others with lowliness of mind! (Eph 4:2) This means, we are humble, and we place their needs above our own. The end result of that loving act is a joy and satisfaction that surpasses worldly self-esteem ten fold.

I challenge each of you today to consider the concept of self-esteem, and whether you have bought in to the psychology of "self-like" when it comes to your children, or even yourself. As adults, sometimes we feel as though life has beat us up. This seems more true the older we get and the more experiences (and traumas) we have to endure in life. God tells us that if we truly wish to feel better about ourselves, then we need to get out there and do something for someone else. Our children are watching. They will learn to do the same! What an excellent esteem builder that is.

Grace & Peace, Angie