Speaking the Truth in Love

“Love without truth is sentimentality; truth without love is harshness” – C.S. Lewis

I came across this quote recently, and it resonated deeply with me, mainly because I am observing that our culture appears to be losing not only its understanding in matters of truth, but its desire for genuine and brotherly love.

On the one hand, if we love someone but are never fully honest with them, what do we end up with?  As Lewis says, it is mere sentiment—a shallow relationship at best.  While this is emotionally safe, because it avoids conflict, it also eliminates the possibility of any meaningful intimacy. There is a level of trust involved in authentic conversation that cannot take place when we consistently “play it safe.”

Notice that I did not say, “give your opinion.”  There is a distinction.  Plenty of people hold no quarter to raining their opinions freely upon everyone—regardless of it being wanted.  Good manners mean no unsolicited advice.  This is tricky territory in the age of social networking, where trolling and opinion sharing are the modus operandi.  But in that setting, opinions are expected; if you are easily offended, it is guaranteed you will be.  The good news is—just like this opinion piece—you can close your browser and move on.

The problem is nearly always the gap between fact and opinion, a disparity which is unmistakable in this current heated political climate.  When we share an idea, we must carefully consider, with all intellectual honesty, if what we are about to say, or not say, is a matter of fact, or our personal perception.  This is increasingly difficult in an age where fewer people have a final authority, such as a faith, or any objective philosophy, and therefore act according to their individual reality. It also creates a broader grey area—that gap between right and wrong, opinion and fact.

But some truths are self-evident, are they not? As a Christian, that especially pertains to the greatest commandment, which is loving one another. For us, instructions about speaking the truth in love abound in scripture, but the most important truth we are called to speak is the truth about sin—that it has separated us from our Creator—and how we can be reconciled through His gift of life.  Sharing the Gospel of the Good News of Jesus Christ is the most loving act that a Christian is called to do.  It is true, some will be offended.  Do it anyway.

On the other hand, if we speak our truth, and we are not sincerely motivated in love, what do we accomplish? Harshness. I tell my children frequently that being right is a lonely place. If the truth takes priority over the relationship, there may be no relationship. Honestly, what good is it to know the truth, but use it in a way to hurt others? And how much satisfaction comes from being right if there is no one to share it with?

However, one of the saddest results of political correctness has become our utter disinterest in growth or change. If we love one another, we should genuinely desire to challenge each other be better people.  For example, would you step up and tell a friend if he was doing something wrong, whether it be illegal, immoral or otherwise? Have we become so afraid to offend that we can no longer hold each other to higher standards?  Does the risk of upsetting another person now take precedence over loving them enough to tell them the truth? 

I can remember times when people affronted me with their truth, just as I recall those pivotal moments when someone risked wounding me to push me to do better—and I am grateful.  Had they not been willing to point out a blind spot, I may have taken an entirely different course in life.  And if we are being honest, even if someone tells us a truth we don’t like or disagree with, we know if it is coming from a place of love and respect.  People just know.

So I ask you this:  Are we forfeiting our humanity to meaningless relation?  In the age of selfies and over-stuffed schedules that are implemented at light-speed, have we forgotten the value of an actual hug and kiss?  Do we cautiously tip-toe around each other, but with no real or meaningful connection?  Do we tread upon our fellow man with vigor via social networking, but without regard to the living, breathing soul on the receiving end?

This is also a huge pet peeve I have with the church.  Some have gone the path of never speaking anything that might offend—and so they stand for virtually nothing.  They keep the pews full, but no one grows.  Contrariwise, some have gone to the other extreme, and their haughtiness and self-righteousness has made us all look mean spirited and hypocritical.  In that way, I fear we have become ineffective and often misunderstood.

My grandmother used to have a sign hanging in her kitchen that said, “Old Indian Proverb—Judge no man until you have walked a mile in his moccasins.”  I loved that saying, and it reminds me that it is in the knowing of a person—the relationship—that we can discern how to help or not help him, because we first understand him.

So, today I challenge you to consider the same.  Risk taking your relationships to a new place—where respect and trust resonate.  Get to know the people around you better.  Love them.  Speak your truth.  Listen to their truth.  Leave your righteousness and harshness behind. 

We have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  Grace and Peace to you.